had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
