I can tuck mytits in my pants
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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