Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
