I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
