Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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