I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
a search helicopter?!
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
