In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
