mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
