If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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