I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
