I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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