I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
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This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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