I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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