This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
