Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
