i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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