Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I will pee on everything he values.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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