The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Pants are for mortals
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
