I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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