well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
