literally had 100 drinks last night.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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