im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
