I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
