Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The feeling are messing with the penis
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
