How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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