I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
