i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
