Nicole vs. Life
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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