i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
