Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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