Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You are a genius and a whore.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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