guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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