mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
