I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
