hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
