I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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