Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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