can u get pink eye on your cock?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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