Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
