This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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