Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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