sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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