my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
