in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
