i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
