he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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