having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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