All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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