Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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