You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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