I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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