can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Houston, we have a squirter
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
