Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
