theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
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Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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