You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
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Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
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the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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