the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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